I enjoy “alternative truths,” in my humorous stories; you may detect a few if you read this. I’ve been serious too long and it’s starting to affect my hair growth, my sense of love and my intelligence.

I can remember just a few years back when I was too busy to pay attention to politics and lying politicians. Those were the good ole days and I was a lot happier. I used to drink a lot of beer, too, and that was fun. Had to quit, it was turning my teeth yellow.

So here is the story. Proof follows that pollution is good and taxes are good, too. If you have trouble following my logic and get lost in the details don’t worry, you don’t have to understand it to reap the benefits.

Let’s start with pollution. Now we have to be careful about what I mean by pollution. I mean the stuff we hear about on the news; that stuff that leaks out of those big chemical plants and refineries that manufacture the stuff we need and use every day. If you read history or ever listened to your great grandparents stories about the times (114 years ago, first car) before we had pollution you will know this. They had a bigger problem than than we have today. By about 50 years old they had their funerals because they were dead. We, on average, have our funerals at about 70 to 80 years old. Not looking too good for me at 77. So what killed them and why are we not being killed at 50 years old? The difference is pollution. I guess it’s possible that horse doo-doo was killing them and since we don’t have to live with doo-doo on the streets maybe that’s it. I, however, think the answer is modern day pollution. It’s working for me; bring some more my way and hurry up.

Now about taxes; are you still with me? I’ll wait while you read the above again. It’s simple logic; the before was bad (without pollution) now it’s better (with pollution). Still having trouble with that? This tax thing is a lot simpler. If you are over 25 and work for a living you will have experienced this tax thing yourself. It’s really very simple. Remember when you first started to work and didn’t make enough money to have to pay taxes or if you did it was very little as compared to today. Want to go back to that salary? Not me, I’m a lot happier today than I was then. Actually, I wish I had to pay about $1 million dollars taxes this year. Just think how much money I will have to make to owe that much. I love taxes; I wish I could pay a whole lot more; now don’t you?

You see how much better bad things can be if you just look at them with “alternative truths.”

Harvey Cappel

lives in Texas City.

Locations

(1) comment

Randy Chapman

Mr. Cappel, are you sure you really quit drinking beer?

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